


Downbeat

by intoxicated_by_our_lies, klismaphilia (orphan_account)



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: 1960s, Age Difference, Awkward Sexual Situations, Cross-cultural, Crossdressing, F/M, First Kiss, Gay Rights, Gender Identity, Gender Roles, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Immigration, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Older Man/Younger Man, Period-Typical Homophobia, Poverty, Romani Character, Sexual Experimentation, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, an 18-year old and an 14-year old are in-love, is this against the law, the word faggot is used a lot here so tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6893275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicated_by_our_lies/pseuds/intoxicated_by_our_lies, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/klismaphilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He didn't think he could even care anymore, couldn't bring himself to give a shit about anything Nashi said. "I didn't fucking ask for this, asshole! I didn't want to be a faggot, you told me I was, and now I don't even want to fucking live!""</p><p>Or, how two young kids struggled with their sexuality and gender roles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Downbeat

Nashi kicked at the fallen piece of debris around his foot, groaning with annoyance as he looked upwards at the pitch black sky. It looked like it was going to rain, and the roof still had so many cracks in it. He was lucky if he didn't wake up covered in water again tonight... maybe momma would let him crawl into bed with them... their room was always dry and dad always made sure he was dry if there was any leaks. Maybe momma would let him sleep in the dining room if it got too bad again. The last storm they suffered through... they almost had actual flooding. The downstairs neighbours weren't very happy, he remembered...

 

A loud set of footsteps brought him out of though, forcing him to sit up from where he was sitting and looked at the owner of the steps. A tiny little thing with a mop of red hair, dirty clothes, and sunken dark eyes. The kid looked about his age, a bit younger, but he was never really good at guessing ages. Sure, even at fifteen, kids all looked the same to him. Even then... Nashi himself was five foot three and still looked like he just got his first wave of puberty yesterday. Ages had to be hard with young-middle aged teens.

 

"Hey," he said, quietly. "How old are you?"

 

The voice came out of nowhere, Anaeya's tiny, pale hand still braced on the railing of the dirty, wooden stairs he'd been trying to walk down. He was shaking, still far too cold, even with his best jacket on. It wasn't much- flimsy and black, but he liked it a lot. His majka had made pretty patterns on the arms with it, and he liked to poke his fingers through the holes. It was like... bullet marks, like he'd seen on TV or some shit. They only got that one station, and all he ever heard were bad things, but it was something, right?

 

His eyes went wide the second he heard it- that single, tiny word. 'Hey'. It doesn't quite click at first, but the second it does, Anaeya's jumping and pulling himself back, tripping over his own feet as he falls against the stairs, half dazed. And then he hears the second part- "How old are you?"

 

He's barely able to focus on it, because he just wants to scream, " _ Sta hoces? _ " Anaeya asks first, half tempted to run away, one hand barely able to push the glasses up on his nose before he's seeing the man- boy- closer... it's a boy. He looks cute, almost, close to his age, with tanned skin and black hair that falls past his neck, and...

 

"You... um... me? Talked... yeah. I'm eleven! Are you... are you going to be my friend? I've never had a real one before. My parents... um, they're not very well liked. Do you- do you live here too?!"

 

There was a faint sound of screaming in the background in a language he didn't quite understand, making the tiny redhead flinch. It did scared him, he really didn't want to hear any loud noise anymore. Momma always got visibly angrier when she heard people even so much as ... she really, really did hate it because dad's condition always got worse because he gets anxious and scared. He got scared too. Hated hearing momma crying and dad getting hurt, it always just... man, he just hated it.

 

"I live here... can't tell you where." he lowered his eyes, running a hand through his thick black hair. It was so long now... momma liked it though. She said that the longer it grew, the more respected he'd be. Nashi didn't really understand why. Hair was hair- but momma said a lot of things that never made sense. "Momma said... said you can't say where. Pigs will take you away. Nazis... daddy had friends. Momma doesn't want me to get raped by faggots, said they do that to us."

 

Approaching the smaller boy, he held a hand out to run over his thin coat. "Are you cold? It's almost winter... you must me cold. Argentina used to be real hot. Summer in December... America is weird, y'know? Don't like having to be cold on my birthday."

 

Anaeya shook his head, tugging his arms closer and wrapping them around himself as the boy touched them, pulling at the thin fabric almost experimentally. He was tempted to just pull away- run off and try and hide from whoever this was, but... he really did just want to talk... at least a little bit. The thought that he might be able to have a friend- someone he could see and talk to every day that wasn't as whiny as his sister- was really, really cool. He wanted a friend. Majka told him he could have friends.

 

His jaw half dropped at what he said. "There was summer there? Woah... no summer in Serbia. Lots of rain and snow. Was not happy place? Majka thought it was bad. She said bad things happened after the war. Otac thought America was bad though. He did not come here. Otac is in Serbia. I miss Serbia. But I like it here more. It feels better. Even if it is still very cold, and majka can't make the  _ bogacha _ like she used to. You would like it. It was very yummy bread. What's your name?"

 

Nashi looked away from the boy, looking at his own really thick coat. He couldn't remember when it last snowed in Jujury... if it ever did, at least. It was cold sometimes, but not enough for it to snow. He was a little excited to see snow for the first time soon. Dad said it was cool- all the different snow flakes, and beautiful blue tint off them. It was going to be amazing when he got to see it next month. Momma said they could have a white Christmas if all goes well.

 

"Nashi." he said, hugging his thick coat to him closer, shaking suddenly as a heavy gust of wind passed, making his already bright red cheeks even worse. The kid looked like it hit him worse, noticeably shaking now, his fingers a pale pink colour and biting down on his lip even worse than before. Of course that silly little jacket wouldn't keep him warm. Why would he even wear it if he knew he was just going to get cold... some kids were just empty in their heads. "You look cold... you want my jacket? I'm not cold so you should take it. You're gonna get sick."

 

Anaeya looked up at him with shock evident on his face, his mouth slipping open in disbelief for several moments, blinking rapidly as he gave a tiny cough. The kid- Nashi- didn't seem to mind it too much, just looking down at him as he began to undo the buttons for his jacket, looking down at the redhead with an almost frustrated expression. "No!" Anaeya exclaimed, shaking his head quickly. "You can't give me that! Gifts... majka says only family does gifts."

 

He's biting his lip though, and chewing on it, because his hands are so cold they're starting to feel warm, and Anaeya's holding them up to his face and breathing hot air on them to try and get them good again, but... "I-I don't have any other jackets. A-and these are my warm pants. Otac has the warm clothes, but he took them when we left. I don't know? You- you want to come inside with me? We have warm blankets. And we can make tea."

 

_ It's not a gift... you're gonna give it back to me when I want to go home... _ Nashi thought, forcing the coat in his hands as he stepped back. "You didn't tell me your name still. What's otac mean? I... momma says I'm not allowed to call her or dad anything that's not in English because they don't let people that speak different languages here... momma says it's fascist, but it doesn't make sense to me..."

 

"Wait, we really are not allowed?" Anaeya asked, pressing his hands against his face, before hitting one against his head in distress. "Maj- mama never said that. She said that it was okay for me to call her and ot- papa by their names. Nobody tells me anything..." he kicked his foot against one of the stairs, before giving a loud yelp. "I'm Ana. T-thanks for the coat, too... are you gonna just stay here? Or do you want... back to our room? Majka wouldn't mind. She could make us hot tea and milk and we could just talk. You're nice. I like talking to you." A pause, as a blush spread over the smaller boy's cheeks. "I-is that bad?"

 

"No." he said simply, scratching at his thin arms before hugging himself tightly. "You're supposed to like to talk to others... my dad said that you're supposed to be friends with your neighbours. Community... supposed to help everyone in a time of need- something along the lines of that." he looked down, noticing that a small, rotting looking call had pulled up to the drive way. Nashi assumed that it was his mother- maybe Auntie, which he hoped. He really missed playing with auntie. "I have to go now. I was supposed to be inside with my dad... have to watch him because he tried to throw himself off the stair top now. I need my coat back- momma would be mad if she saw me without it."

 

"Oh... o-okay," Anaeya murmured, letting the older boy that the coat from him again, watching as he stared at the car that had just pulled into the driveway, almost too surprised when Nashi pulled away suddenly, half knocking him over again. "Wait!" The tiny ginger called out, trying to grab hold of Nashi's hand, tugging on his black sleeve quickly. "When can I talk to you again? Are we friends?"

 

Nashi eyed the woman stepping out of the car, several heavy looking pieces of equipment sticking out of their rather large car. He could identify some of it, but not all of it. Momma always forced the biggest stuff in the apartment, even if it all looked stupid to him. Dad didn't need most of this so. 

 

"Hi momma," he yelled, waving a large hand. She didn't seem to look up, continuing to unload the car of the equipment. Remembering that Ana seemed to ask him a question, he turned back to him, a scowl on his face now as he felt another heavy wave of wind hitting his face. "Um... do you go to school? I don't. Momma says I can't because we're..." blushing, he paused, remembering that his parents swore him to secrecy. "Momma works at the diner- the one with the girls in 'skates? I'm there if I'm not here."

 

"I did! I went to school in Serbia!" Anaeya exclaimed excitedly, trying to pull himself back onto his feet, shaking locks of red out of his face. "It was real fun. I got to see other kids every day. But they didn't like me much. They'd always call me names- like, bad names. Majka says it's cause we're poor and we don't got money like a lotta other kids." He's looking away then, eyes flitting back up the stairs to a door halfway down the hallway. "I don't now though. I miss school. Me and my sister- we had to stop going when we got to America. Majka tries to teach us stuff, but everything's really bad. I'm real good at writing though! Just... the other stuff with numbers. I don't get it."

 

The ginger's looking down at his sock-covered feet, poking his toe through one of the holes in the white fabric with a soft hum. "Can I go to the skate diner and see you someday, Nashi? I've never been to a real diner before, and the last time I tried, some scary men told me to 'fuck off'." Anaeya bites his lip at the words. "I asked majka, but she told me not to talk to them. It's a funny word though, but I'm not supposed to say it. I still do though, when I'm real mad. I get mad real often. But then I cry a lot too... er, sorry! Can I talk to your parents? They look nicer than mine."

 

"No," he shook his head, anxiously watching his other struggling to take them out of the car. "Momma doesn't want to have me bring people. Says that she could get into trouble since... um, don't know. Got tired of her 'ellin' so I stopped listening. Made her madder, but dad called her down. She's a... Ueitoresu? I don't know the English word. Sounds weird to me. Can you come back tomorrow? Dad has his carers tomorrow and momma works so I can go do whatever. There's a playground... you can come with?"

 

His mouth dropped open almost immediately, settling into a soft 'o' shape as Anaeya pulled his jacket tighter around him, looking up to the older boy before nodding enthusiastically. "I wanna. Wanna play with you." There was a tiny pause as his bright eyes glanced back at the door to his room, before hopping to his feet quickly. "Make sure the pixies don't try and sabotage our date. Wanna have fun. I'll see you, Nashi! You're my best friend!" 

 

And then he was taking off back up the stairs and scrambling down the hallway to the door.

 

* * *

 

 

It was too loud in his room. There was a loud banging sound of someone hitting their bodies against the walls, screams erupting from either side of him, and construction that seemed to have never ended. Fuck, was it ever going to end so that he could have some quiet time with Ana? Most likely not... he never really got what he wanted anymore. Momma wouldn't let him go to college, dad died, and Ana... Ana was so shy around him anymore. It wasn't fair. 

 

"Ana?" he raised his brow, shifting in his seat so his bare legs were shown more to the redhead. "You okay, man? Somethin' wrong?"

 

"Nothing! I was just... thinking..." Anaeya's voice seems to falter, breaking into pieces as soon as it escapes his throat, but he's just shrugging, looking down at the little toy soldier in his hands, turning it over to groan at the smudges in the paint. "This was my favorite one too."

 

The fourteen year old sighed, falling back against the bed, his bony arms stretching out as he pressed his face against the side of Nashi's waist, still shivering. Nashi was always so warm... just something else he liked about the older boy. He was calm, quiet, warm... let Ana wear his jacket sometimes and liked to go run around the building with him at night when he didn't want to be alone. 

 

"You're the absolute coolest person I've ever met," Anaeya whispers. "Glad you're my  _ супруг _ . Want you to be it for real, one day. You can go back to Europe with me. We can do whatever we want, and nobody's gonna fucking tell us what we can and can't do." There's a harsh pause. "Don't leave me, my  _ супруг. _ "

 

Nashi stared down at the thin redhead, confused on what he was going on about now. That was pretty typical of him though, rambling on and on about that's that didn't make sense... it was a major trait of his being. "You're so weird sometimes, Ana... don't think I've ever met anyone as weird as you before. Like a girl, honestly. Hate it when you get all... emotional."

 

He didn't know what to say to his rambles anymore, or decode what the fuck he was saying. 

 

"What's that word anyway, Ana? What's it mean?"

 

There's a blush on Anaeya's cheeks that's far too red to push away, sitting up so he was staring down at Nashi with a half smile. "Just a thing I like to call you because I like you. You wouldn't get it. You're gonna think I'm crazy." A pale hand clenched up tightly as Anaeya looked away. "It means... man. Er, a man you really, really like."

 

Nashi sat back up, letting Ana shove his face into his thin wife beater. "In what way? Like... brother-wise? Or... you mean something else, don't you..." He looked away, closing his pale eyes. "You shouldn't keep thinking like that. It's wrong."

 

"Why does it have to be wrong? Why am I not allowed to want you to be with me romantically? I just... I just like you, Nashi. You make me happy... so happy. I... I don't know if I could stand waking up every day without you." The ginger's swallowing, tears building on his cheeks. "I've never liked anyone like this before you."

 

Nashi stifled a groan, running a hand through his dark black hair. Fuck. He didn't know why, just that everyone seemed to hate gay people being together and... since he was here, he had to too. "It's... I don't know, alright? I really don't fucking know. Momma hates it, dad hated it, the pie lady hates it...  _ everyone _ fucking hates it. We can't be together like that. You're almost almost fifteen, Ana... just go get a girlfriend and maybe those feelings will go away." Closing his eyes, he sighed. "Besides. I don't like guys so."

 

"But I don't want a girlfriend," comes the quiet response as the redhead bit his lip, fingers sliding along the hem of his jacket for a few seconds before he just shook his head again. Anaeya didn't even... didn't even like girls. As friends, yeah, but not like... not like this. 

 

"What if... if I wasn't a guy? Do you like me, Nashi? Just me? I-I don't like you because you're a guy. I like you because you're _ Nashi. _ And because you're my best friend. And because you make me feel nice. Is that fucking wrong to you?"

 

He blushed, chewing on the soft part of his lip as he looked away from him again and up at the ceiling where specks of the wallpaper was falling off. "I... fuck, man. I don't know. I don't like anyone. You're my friend. My  _ very underage _ friend. I'm an adult now, Ana... I can't just confess this kinda shit to you. Pigs would be all over me and shit..."

 

"I'm almost fifteen," Anaeya protests before Nashi can get another word out, eyes falling on the floor beside the bed as he tries to hide the tears in his eyes. "I know it's wrong and  _ I don't care _ ! I DON'T CARE! I love you. I love you so goddamn much. I want to- I want to be your žena. I don't want anything else. I'd rather die than not have you here with me." 

 

He's sinking teeth into his tongue to muffle sobs, his hands shaking and head spinning the longer he looked at Nashi. It was all he could think- all he wanted. To have Nashi love him too. He didn't care. If he wasn't a guy, Nashi would love him, right? "I want to be your žena," he says again, swallowing. "Your wife."

 

"You're a boy, Ana!" He insisted, fists now connecting with each other. "We... that's impossible, Ana. Okay? We can't marry or turn you into a real life girl so... just stop it. It's stupid anyway. Momma said she's gonna write to her friend back in Japan and see what one of them says about potential wives. Says it's an arranged marriage. That I'll be happier this way."

 

_ You'd rather marry a woman you don't even know than marry me. _ The thought stings- makes Anaeya cringe and curl in on himself almost enough so that he didn't have to listen to any of it anymore. It hurt- like everything's just burning up, like he wants to just die to fix the way his heart feels like it's shattering. I want you to love me, Ana thinks to himself, quivering and tense as he hugs his arms to his body and sobs to the air. "If it is so wrong for me to love you, then I should kill myself, because I don't think I'm ever going to love a girl. I want to be a woman if it means you will want me, but I am not a woman, so I should just fucking die."

 

Nashi bit back a confused whine, shoving his head into his soft white pillow. "Fuck, Ana... don't start that shit on me. Just... can you go home? I don't want to talk to you anymore if you're gonna be like this. I'd rather marry someone if it meant that momma wouldn't hate me or have to turn to the faggots we see on television, okay?"

 

"I'm sorry, Nashi," Ana choked out, eyes slipping shut as he tries to bite his tongue, hold it so he can't say anything bad anymore, try not to make Nashi hate him... did he already hate him? Everything... Nashi sounded like he did. Like he didn't think Ana should even be around him for being... like this. Gay, or whatever. It was wrong... it was wrong, that's what everyone kept saying. Like a curse.

 

So Anaeya shuts his eyes and tries to keep himself from crying anymore. "I'm sorry, Nashi. I don't know what's wrong with me?"

 

He narrowed his eyes again, sighing as he leaned over wrapping his thin arms around the much younger boy. "Nothing. There isn't shit wrong with ya. Just... get fucked up a lot. I don't know. Not a head doctor." He felt the boy shaking now, hands desperately trying to find bare skin to latch onto. "Just get those thoughts outta your head, kid. It'll do you a world of good. Promise. Just... y'know? Seriously. We can't do anything like that. You ain't a girl and I'm not a fag."

 

"Can I... c-can I just..." Ana tries to start, but he's cutting himself off, voice dying when it reaches his lips. Everything seems like it's stuck on replay, a slew of thoughts that want to crush him, and all he can think of is  _ I'm not a fag  _ and then his thoughts are spinning as Ana questions himself.  _ Am I a fag? Like Nashi told me? _ It's wrong, and it doesn't sit well, making his chest pull as he continued to sob, turning so he could cry against Nashi's shirt, burying his head in his chest. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I wanna go home. Wanna go back to Serbia with otac. Fuck. Please."

 

Nashi's lips rest against Anaeya's forehead, rubbing his back gently as he looked down at Anaeya's still shaking frame. "I know, Ana. Okay? I know you do. I said I'd try and help you go back one day... don't have the money. Can't help you at all. Momma still won't let me get a job since we don't have our..." he paused, biting his lip. No, it still wasn't the best time to tell him. Not know, maybe not ever... "Momma wants me to look into jobs in Japan or Argentina, go back home someday... America isn't good anymore, she said. Fags are taking over against what dad believed. Don't like all the communism either. You can come with me, maybe."

 

"I wanna be with you," Anaeya breathes, voice less audible than a whisper,  hands shaking as his fingers curl in the heavy fabric of Nashi's button up shirt, pulling him closer. He tried to take it all in- the hand rubbing his back and chin on his forehead, the warmth of Nashi's body beside his...  _ I love you _ , Anaeya thinks.

 

He's just nodding again and adjusting his body so his head's against Nashi's chest, waiting calmly and listening to his soft heartbeat, trying not to choke on his sobs. "Take me with you. I lo- sorry."

 

"It's okay, Ana..." he took a long breath, closing his eyes as he held the man closer. "I'm sorry. Don't be like this. it's okay. I don't... I don't blame you. You're my best friend, kiddo. You can come with me... in my culture, Ana..." he paused, smiling gently. "We're supposed to have our family live with us. I consider you family, sure momma does too."

 

"I'm your family?" Anaeya breathed out, voice almost on the verge of being a squeak as he wrapped his arms around Nashi, pulled himself further against the man’s body. He gave a tiny hum of appreciation, fingers fumbling for the blanket at the end of the bed until he could pull it up around him. "You're my best friend too. My only friend, really. I wanna come with you... but I'll miss my blankets and majka's cooking and my toy soldiers. I know it's stupid and childish... they remind me of home." Anaeya's trailing off, sighing harshly. "Can I still call you my dečko?"

 

"Yes..." he sighed in return, running a hand through Anaeya's bright red hair. If someone saw them like this, there'd be serious tribute for the two of them. Ana was sitting in his lap, curled up now, with his head resting on his shoulder, his hand curled around his thin neck. "Just don't... don't tell anyone, okay? I don't want you to get hurt because someone found out... I'll have an alibi because I'm gonna be married to a girl soon, but you're fourteen. You can't get married. Not yet, don't think. I'll always try and protect you though."

 

* * *

 

 

"You okay, man?" Keon asked, his accent coming in thicker than what Nashi could really understand. He was cute though, with golden blonde locks and tanned skin that almost seemed like something out of a fairytale. It really did almost impossible for someone so young. Fuck, he was thirteen, a whole year younger than Anaeya... it didn't even make sense. "S'mething wrong?"

 

"No." he said simply, leaning back against the side of the apartment, taking out a packet of cigarettes. Slipping a loose skin in his mouth, he offered a packet to the much younger boy. Keon shook his head, stepping away from him as he looked around worriedly. "C'mon, Keon. Don't be a bitch about this. You were the one that wanted to try them out. Your sister isn't gonna see you. Won't tell anyone either if you just take one... please?"

 

"No!" he responded, frowning at the lite cigarette. "It's gross. Makes your clothes smell and stuff. Vita's sick easily. Gonna get in her throat..."

 

Before he could say more, there was a voice behind him, forcing the blonde to turn around with an deep yelp.

 

Anaeya let his hand tap Nashi's shoulder gently, almost jumping when he turned around, a startled yelp escaping the blonde kid that was with him. Fuck, the kid was tall though- almost made Anaeya feel shorter than he really was.

 

His fingers tugged down the tiny dress, until it fell past mid thigh. It was black, lacy mesh fr the most part that adorned his shoulders, white the white fabric under it only further silhouetted the pale shade of his skin. His eyes flitted down to his feet, combing the messily done red wig over his shoulders, trying not to give away just how bloodshot his eyes were, or how much he just wanted to smudge off the lipstick covering his lips. 

 

"Um... hey, Nashi... I j-just wanted to know if we could talk for a few minutes?" The fourteen year old tried to shove off the apparent stare of the blonde kid, shifting his feet awkwardly, cursing himself for being such a mess.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid! _ He probably didn't even look like a real girl. Not to mention it felt too hard to see without his glasses on.

 

Nashi almost blushed at the barely smaller redhead, looking at the uneasy looking blonde. Fuck, Keon had to see right through Ana's obvious disguise... Ana didn't even look _ slightly _ close to being female, kinda just looked like his little sister scribbled on his face with bright red lipstick. He looked like he belonged on some stage with big red pumps, and a tight dress that those scandalous girls around the corner wear. 

 

Keon's voice forced him out of his thoughts, remembering the fact that he was staring at him rather intensely now. 

 

Apparently he was even slower than he originally thought.

 

"I didn't know you had a girlfriend?" he said, looking down at him now. God dammit, Keon was way passed him in height now. He had to be nearing six foot now. Even his dad, who by all means used to be rather short in height, used to be five foot eight and could be considered tiny next to the Greek boy. "You look really young. How old are you even?"

 

"Shut the fuck up, Keon," he slapped the back of Keon's head, groaning as he grabbed Ana's hand. "Stay here. We'll be right back."

 

Once they entered the back alleyway, he pushed Ana against the apartment walls, ignoring the terrified squeaks coming from the redhead. "Okay, so," he said, grabbing a handful of Ana's dark dress. "Why are you wearing this, Ana? Seriously. You... you're gonna get in a lot of trouble if someone recognizes you. You don't even look like a girl, man. You look so weird."

 

He took off his leather jacket, sighing at Ana's defeated whines as he's forced to take it from him. Sighing, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, don't be scared. I'm not gonna hurt you, Ana... you look..." he looked down his body, placing a hand on his flat, undeveloped chest. "I don't know. Fuck, you're not ugly. Not like faggot ugly, cute enough, I guess."

 

The sentence is almost shocking to Anaeya, because he's hiding his face, half whimpering and entirely sure Nashi's dragged him away to punch him or tell him what a horrible idea it all was. He didn't think he looked  _ that _ bad. Feminine enough, but just a touch too masculine for it to look right. And he'd gotten the lipstick on correctly, and it was pretty good, because this was the first time he'd even thought about doing anything like this and...

 

Fuck. 

 

"N-Nashi...? I- I'm sorry..." Anaeya trailed off, half wanting to start biting his lip before he considered how bad the red lipstick would look if it was smeared. He didn't look that young, really, was pretty sure he looked like a girl his age would... if he was a girl or whatever. Still, he's shaking his head, trying to keep his gaze fixed on the ground until Nashi's hand grabs his chin, and he's giving a startled gasp, mouth slipping open just a tad.

 

"Who's your friend?" Anaeya asks finally. "I-if you're mad, maybe I can go see if he wants me." It's childish to say, and a bit harsh, but then his mind is snapping back to what Nashi had said, and... "Wait- c-cute? Am I really... do you really think that? It's my first... first time trying to do anything like this... I did it all by myself too. I just wanted to see if I would be a pretty girl..."

 

"You should've waited until we were in private before trying to do it, Ana," he scolded, hitting his arm just hard enough to give it as a warning. "I... I could've helped you put yourself together. Hair looks fucking ridiculous, where did you even get it?" he sighed once again, running a hand through his own, looking back at the tiny make-believe girl's body before coming to a conclusion. Ana wasn't  _ bad  _ to look at, per say, but somehow, he still managed to look like the literal version of putting an already feminine adolescent in a dress, while still allowing it to highlight every masculine feature about them. 

 

Hearing his comment again in his head, he scowled, the grip on his jaw even tighter now. "Keon. Don't be a fucking asshole about this, Ana. I don't want to lose a friend because my faggot best friend- who's in a dress- decided to be fresh and hit on him. He'll kick your ass, you not realize his fucking height?"

 

Taking a moment of silence as Ana looked up at him, tears obvious in his eyes, Nashi stepped back, grabbing his hand once more. "C'mon. I'm taking you home. You're going to change into my clothes and we're gonna dump this shit at your house later. Don't even wanna be outside anymore."

 

"I had to steal it," Anaeya replied, but he barely got anything out before Nashi's hand was around his wrist, half dragging him away, his knees weak and shaking at the sheer notion of how mad Nashi seemed to be. He didn't want this... didn't want to make him upset, force him to go home with him, flip out... it just made everything even worse in his head. Like there wasn't even a point, like he'd gotten so worked up for nothing, like he was just a fucking _ idiot, _ some worthless  _ fairy  _ that nobody even wanted to look at. 

 

His hands were shaking, before Anaeya was wrenching one away from Nashi quickly, a sharp "Fuck you!" leaving his mouth as he turned away from the man, trying to hide the tears that were so quickly overwhelming his eyes. Glancing back out to the street, he could see the tall blonde kid still standing there, glancing over to where they were with an expression he couldn't place. "You know what? Maybe you shouldn't even give a fuck anymore, Nashi. Because your  _ faggot best friend _ is done. He's so fucking done."

 

And then he was turning around, not even minding the fact that the shoes had all but slipped off his feet, and running back in the direction of their apartment building, slamming open the front door and trekking up wooden stairs in bare feet until he can find the door, slam it open and tear the wig from his head, his form trembling from the intensity of the anger that kept building in his body. He didn't think he could even care anymore, couldn't bring himself to give a shit about anything Nashi said.  _ "I didn't fucking ask for this, asshole! I didn't want to be a faggot, you told me I was, and now I don't even want to fucking live! _ "

 

Nashi didn’t know how fast it was before he was racing on after Anaeya, his feet barely touching the group, demands for Ana to turn around and come back escaping his lips. Fuck, he really did fuck up now, didn’t he? He didn’t mean to, not intentionally… he didn’t ever mean to ever make him actually scared or upset. A great deal of him cared a hella lot for Anaeya, whether it was romantically or purely because he’s know this kid since he was eleven. 

 

“Ana- fucking stop, man!” he screamed, almost falling on the long staircase. In the back of his head, he was eternally screaming at himself, and slightly at Ana because he hated how sensitive and immature he was about things. Fuck. Keon was going to be such a fucking asshole about this too. He really did need to get older friends, but everyone around here just seemed to be all under fifteen and momma still wouldn’t get let him get a job just yet. It wasn’t fair. Momma just being too controlling, really. She needed to let him get one so he could take care of his future wife and Ana by himself.

 

“Ana!” he screamed again, finally arriving at the door that was shut in his face. “Ana! Please, I’m sorry, man.” he started pounding on the door, his voice now shaky once more. “Please, kid. Just answer me. I didn’t mean what I said. You’re not a faggot, okay? You’re my best friend. Fuck all of this, okay? I’m sorry!”

 

He stopped, his hand dropping to his side as he pressed his forehead against the front of the door. “Ana, please…” his voice cracked, noticing the fact that there were now tears forming on his face. “Just open the door, okay? We can talk about this. I’m sorry for screaming at you. It was wrong, is that what you want me to say? I was fucking wrong. You’re fourteen, I’m sorry for being such an ass.”

 

“Ana… I’ll think about it? Just… talk to me.”

 

“I’m sorry, Nan,” was the soft, muffled response, the voice sounding as though it were on the other side of the door, breathing loud and heavy in the cold air of the apartment building. There was the sound of a hand resting on the doorknob, before it pulled away, a short whine barely audible from inside the room. The cries were harsh, long and echoing, before there was a shaking and the doorknob was being turned, enough that Anaeya could peek his head around the corner and see Nan standing in the hallway.

 

He already regretted what he’d been trying to do, the sound of a thud by his feet far too evident in the already silent hallway. His hands were slightly stained with trails of blood, eyes still watering as he curled fingers in the fabric of the dress, fisted the black skirt in his hands as he tried to keep himself from showing any worse emotion. He couldn’t understand it, didn’t know how to explain…

 

All of it. Everything felt so… disgusting, hardly worth it, making him want to just curl up into a ball and start sobbing his eyes out for no goddamn reason. Anaeya didn’t even want to be awake, would prefer to just fall asleep, let his eyes slip shut and everything fade into black in the background. Having to stay here, in the midst of all the disorder, just made him feel more hopeless… joyless, like there was nothing right in the world. He didn’t even want to look at Nashi. 

 

“Sorry, Nashi… ‘m depressed… upset… angry… don’t know what got into me.”

 

Nashi let the smaller redhead fall in his arms, resting his chin on the top of his forehead as he relaxed his hand on the back of his back, massaging it. He felt so fucking shitty now, seeing his  _ best friend _ like this, it made him feel like complete shit now that he was like this… it wasn’t fair, not at all. Not fair of him, no matter what he said to himself. “I’m sorry, please don’t blame yourself… I know, I know, kiddo… love you, I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

“I didn’t mean to make you like this… you’re my best friend, man. I wouldn’t ever just fucking hurt you like this. Fuck, I’m sorry…” 

 

“No, it wasn’t… wasn’t you… just… everything. A bunch of guys… said things before I went to see you. I thought you’d like it. I was being… so fucking stupid. And then before that… keep having bad memories about home. And I get really upset and I start shaking and feel… tired. Lifeless. Joyless. But then it gets good again and I forget, except I’m really happy sometimes… then I get angry. I don’t fucking know. Sorry.”

 

Anaeya’s chewing on his lip, eyes shutting roughly as he blinked back tears, nails scratching at the half-made cuts on his arm, barely enough for anything to really be disturbed. His eyes fell on the red wig lying discarded on the floor with a tiny whimper, turning his head away. “I’m sorry for being a faggot, Nashi. I just wanted you to like me… wanna be with me too. I like… I like pretending I’m your wife sometimes. I have dreams about it, when I get real upset. Right now I want to just pass out. Or die. Just stay here with me?”

 

“Who said it?” Nashi eyed the man, looking behind him at the slowly emptying out street. If someone had decided that they could even look at his Ana… fuck. No one was allowed to insult his poor Anaeya. He was so young and needed to be protected, it wasn’t right if anyone even did because of his age. Ana was so young and innocent in this way, he didn’t need to be called a faggot or teased at all. “I’ll kick their fucking asses, Ana. For you.”

 

He pressed a light kiss to his forehead, running a hand through his dark red hair, closing his eyes. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you, Ana. I never want to let you get hurt… fucking assholes, they don’t deserve to talk to you if they’re gonna be like this. I won’t let anyone else do it, Ana. Promise… forever. Always.”

 

Anaeya just shook his head, pulling his arms around himself further, trying to hide the fact he was still wearing a dress, the way his entire body was still shaking, how he just seemed to be so weak at the sheer mention of it… he wanted Nashi to protect him. Loved his Nashi so much, needed him to hold him and love him and tell him it’s all alright…

 

“I don’t know who they were,” Ana admitted, half tempted to start crying to himself again, looking at the floor to try and hide how awful he probably looked. “They were older… your age, maybe? I dunno… I don’t want to go out there again. They’ll laugh at me because I’m a fucking faggot. Like you said, Nashi. I don’t wanna get hurt.” And then he was reaching out and grabbing Nashi so he could throw arms around him, pull him closer and press his face again his chest. “Please…”

 

Nashi cringed, pulling the boy in tighter so that he could  hold him better, caressing the side of his face so that he could catch the dripping tears. “You’re not a faggot, Ana. Promise. Never a fucking faggot. You’re a kid, you can’t be a goddamn faggot. I won’t let them hurt you either, Ana. No one is allowed to fucking hurt you. I’ll walk you everywhere, even in some girly dress… I won’t let anyone hurt you still, okay? You’re safe with me.”

 

He pressed another faint kiss to his forehead, mumbling out quiet apologies and other things relating to it. Really though… he’d do whatever he could to keep Ana safe, even if it meant putting himself in harm’s way. It wouldn’t be the first time he had done something like. Ana meant too much to him, and plus, he’s doing this so that he’d feel attracted to him. This was really the least he could really do for him.

 

“Ana,” he said, forcing his head up to look at him. “I want you to get changed, and stop crying. I’m gonna take you somewhere, but I can’t until you’re wearing something else. Grab a jacket.”

 

Anaeya nodded, hurriedly undoing the back of the dress as he turned away from Nashi, trying to hide most of his too-thin, underdeveloped body. His thin, heaving chest, shaky thighs that were almost unnaturally skinny, ribs sticking out too far for him to be content with. He gave a tiny whimper, looking down at the dress and the wig discarded on the floor, before standing up to move back to his room. “Yeah, I-I’ll just… be a few seconds.”

 

Walking stiffly to his room, he grabbed a pair of black slacks from inside the dresser, coupling them with a wifebeater underneath a button-up shirt that was left open, almost too loose on his tiny frame anyway, before quickly walking over to Nashi. His head was in pain, almost felt like it was caving in, being crushed the longer he tried to stare at the man… it all hurt so fucking much. “Okay… I-I’m good?”

 

Nashi nodded, taking Ana’s hand into his, leading him out of the door without another word. He had a place in mind that he wanted Ana to see, even if the thought of it made him feel extremely uncomfortable. How the hell Keon even knew about it… fuck, he wasn’t sure how or why a thirteen-year old- and barely thirteen at that- shouldn’t even know that  _ those _ types of people existed… it made him worry of where exactly the boy was going in his free time.

 

“You okay?” he said after several long minutes of them slowly making their way towards the street. “We’re gonna go and see some people… Keon told me about them. Th-thought they could help with… y’know… you’re thoughts. Get some perspective or whatever for you.”

 

“My… how can they fucking help?” Anaeya half snapped, hands fisting in Nashi’s shirt as he tried to make the older man look at him. “How the fuck are they going to help me? Do they understand what I’m going through? I’m completely fucked up-  Ja ne briga vise ! Želim da budem gej ako to znači da još uvek mogu da te volim ! Ne teraj me da zadrži svoje misli za sebe duže.”

 

The words are catching in his throat, hardly making sense when they finally come out and he’s looking at Nashi with such an intense anger on his face that it can hardly be mistaken. But then Nashi’s dragging him to the street, standing there to wait, and then walking along the sidewalk while his hand was still on Anaeya’s arm. “Please… where are we going, Nashi?”

 

Nashi looked down at his younger friend, glaring now as he realized several eyes are on them now, sighing. “Just shut up, Ana. Everyone is staring at us now. Keon said they… they have what you have? I don’t know, didn’t know there was a word for what you are… not a faggot, apparently. That’s what he said, at least. Keon says a lot of dumbshit though, can’t always take him at face value.”

 

He eyed a group of boys at the end of the sidewalk, looking away from them for a moment so that he could pull Ana closer to him, almost hiding him now. “We’re almost there anyway, just… stay behind me, okay? Keon says they’ll talk to you, but… fuck. I probably should’ve had you wear what you were earlier… they’re not even gonna fucking believe me now.”

 

“T-they’re not gonna believe you? What the fuck, Nashi? I-I didn’t even want to… to be here. Can you just… just let me go?” He tried to wrench his hand away from the man, weak arms only succeeding in forcing his friend’s grip tighter, eyes turning to stare at Nashi with an incredible anger. “I don’t want to go- leave me alone,” he muttered, shutting his eyes tightly. Anaeya couldn’t prevent himself from shivering when he saw the people in front of him, hanging out on the sidewalk near a couple picnic tables, a couple of them smoking cigarettes.

 

Nashi stopped in front of the group, letting go of Anaeya’s arm as the redhead swallowed roughly, noticing the way eyes had fallen on him, looking down at his feet and shifting uncomfortably. “W-why did you want me to…? What do I even say?”

 

There was a loud sigh from one of the members of the table, quickly pulling their foot up to slip off some rather large heels, brushing long, black hair behind their back as they started to speak. “Seriously, honey bun, if we meant any harm, we woulda done something already. Sure a cutie though…” The obviously masculine voice continued as the man stood up from the table, reaching out to look closer at Anaeya. “You forgot to take off your lipstick,” was all he said, offering a smile. “Seriously, he’s cute. Do you prefer bunbun or sugarplum?”

 

“Uh…” Anaeya bit his lip, smudging the red lipstick that was smeared across them. “E-either one, I guess… where do you guys get your wigs? I, um… tried to steal one, but… it’s kinda in bad shape. I didn’t- never did this before… don’t know how to look like a proper girl. I tried real hard!” He turned to Nashi, anger in his eyes again. “You made me so fucking ashamed! I don’t even… don’t even want to be here! Just let me go.”

 

Nashi sighed, looking up at the gang of awkward hard pretending looking female-males, cringing at how some of them looked at them curiously. Fuck, this is so fucking stupid… Keon was always such a fucking asshole, of course he told him to go to a group of these people. He said that it was a couple that had… goddammit.

 

“No,” he said, slipping his fingers in between Anaeya’s, giving a light squeeze. “Just fucking talk to them… they’re supposed to help you! I wouldn’t bring you here if it wasn’t fucking good for you, Ana. Just… trust me, okay? They’re like you, I think?”   
  


A female voice called out, revealing a petite blonde with a pleasant smile on her face. Nashi looked her up and down, blushing as his sight fell on her rather large breasts.  _ Fuck, her tits are nice. Can… can she teach Ana to have them like hers? _ “Awh, you two do look adorable,” she held out a bright red hand, nails painted perfectly. “Come here, sweetheart. How old are the two of you?”

 

“Sixteen.” he said, pulling Ana closer to his side. “He just looks young.”

 

Anaeya gave a quick nod, entirely unsure of what more he was supposed to do, flustered at the sudden attention. His hand played with the hem of his shirt, glancing down at the ground with wide eyes, wishing he’d thought to grab his glasses on the way out of the apartment. Still, being here, having these people watching him like this… it just felt awkward.

 

He was out of place, somehow, but somehow he kind of felt like… like this was a good thing? Being here… he wasn’t sure. The guy who’d spoken up first- girl?- was nice… so was this woman. He kind of liked the attention; never got attention at home anymore, not from majka. Everything seemed so dark, bleak… worthless.

 

“I’m uh…” he paused, sucking in a deep breath. “I don’t know what I am… I’m… in love with someone. A boy. But I don’t… I don’t know if I’m gay, because this is the only person I like? But I’m not attracted to women… not men either, though. Just this person. A-and he doesn’t want me like this… so I need to be a girl, so he can like me. I want to be his  _ zena,  _ have him give me kisses and let me take care of him and do whatever he wants, but I don’t think he wants that… I-I’m confused. I don’t know.”

 

The woman stroked his hand, humming to herself as she tapped a finger on her soft jawline. “Is that why you have so much lipstick on you, sweetie?” she teased, licking her thump before wiping off the rest of it. The boy next to him looked uncomfortable, glaring at her now as she gave him a soft smile. She looked down the two of them, noting how close the two of them seemed to be, how the obviously younger boy’s hand was wrapped tightly around the others. Of course, she assumed that he was the boy that he was talking about.

 

“You shouldn’t change for anyone,” she said, sighing when a defeated look spread across his face. “Aki, darling?” she looked up, smiling to the man from just a few moments ago. “Clear the area, please. Poor things don’t need to be watched like they’re showgirls. They’re so scared already.”

 

She stood up from her seat, taking the redhead by his hand, guiding him into the bar just a few meters from them. “Come sit down with me, give you some privacy from the wandering eyes.” 

 

As soon as they sat, of course right next to each other, huddled to the wall in a booth, the older man spoke up, arms crossed. “He wants to know how he can change from being a… y’know. A faggot. To a girl.”

 

“You can start by not calling him that,” she said, laying her hand on the redhead’s cheek, bringing out a small blush from the boy. “There isn’t a thing wrong with you, sweetheart. Don’t let others call you such things. Now… can I have a name from you, darling?”

 

“I-I’m… I’m Ana. Anaeya. But… I prefer Ana. I- I’m sorry… I don’t know what to say. It is very difficult to just… talk about things like this for me? I didn’t know I was… I didn’t know it was wrong until Nashi told me… I just thought I was different, b-but I didn’t know.” He’s crying now, tears spilling over his pale cheeks, eyes shutting as he tried to look away from the woman, the touch on his cheek only growing more gentle, holding longer.

 

His hand gripped the fabric of his pants tightly, eyes sliding open again as he pulled his other away from Nashi’s grasp, unable to take the feeling any longer. Everything hurt, his body shaking, trembling horribly with sobs. There was an overwhelming feeling of depression, the hopelessness and worthlessness weighing on him so much he wanted to scream.

 

His hands found each other, fingers tangling as he looked away, finally breathing out, “I-I’m not sixteen either… I’m fourteen. Which makes it even worse. I just… I just want to know how I can… how I can be with Nashi… how I can make him like me too? B-because… I don’t want to be like this. I’m already dealing with so much, being angry and depressed and volatile all the time and I just want… I just want somebody to want me.”

 

“Ana?” Nashi tried not to glare at him, trying so hard to find the right words. Fuck, this was stupid. Ana was already crying and shaking, and the god damn woman was just staring, making all of this so much fucking worse now. He should’ve know that this was gonna be just a fucking waste of their time. He was better off just…. He didn’t know, maybe going to the store with him and shoplifting a shit ton clothes for Ana. Honestly, they really were if this is basically just how this was gonna go down. “Let’s… fuck. Let’s just go. It was stupid of me to bring you here in the first place.”

 

The woman slapped his hand from touching him, giving him a look that made his pause for a moment. “No, Nashi, I assume? Why don’t you go and sit at the bar while we have a little chat? Hm? Maybe you not helicoptering around him would make him feel a little more at ease talking to me.”

 

Nashi hesitated once more, looking down at his friend. “Ana? D-do you want me to go…?”

 

“I…” Anaeya tried to wipe the tears from his eyes, swallowing roughly as he contemplated what he should say. He didn't want Nashi to be mad at him- that was all he cared about, that Nashi was okay and not upset with him. He wouldn't be able to live if Nashi hated him… if he didn't want him. 

 

“Yeah. I-I don't wanna talk anymore about this with… with you listening. It's harder- because I'm trying not to make my feelings hurt your feelings… please, Nashi? I-I'll talk to you right after… promise. I love you…”

 

Nashi blushed at his words, mumbling back a quick, “I love you too, Ana.” before moving his way towards the bar, sitting next to a rather nicely dressed man. 

 

“And now,” the woman said, taking a hold of his hand as she nodded to him. “Ana, how long have you been having these feelings? Does anyone else beside Nashi know about your feelings for him, or have you been too ashamed to tell anyone?”

 

“My majka- sorry, my mom… she knows. She doesn't really seem to care. But she takes a lot of valium. She doesn't care about much. And we're not very rich or well off… um… not even money for coats. So I borrow my mom's clothes. And her makeup. But I'm really bad at putting it all on, I think…”

 

Anaeya takes a deep, shuddering breath, hands shaking as he wraps thin arms across his chest, eyes wide as he wonders if he should continue. “I've like Nashi since I was eleven. I… I'm really… I dunno. I want to marry him, be his wife. I have a lot of thoughts about it. There's even a dress I want. But Nashi doesn't want me.”

 

“You poor thing,” she said, giving her most apologetic smile, caressing his soft, trembling hands. Really, she always was the one that people recommended to others for pity stories and to be a listening ear, but she couldn’t help but feel so upset about hearing so many of these kids stories. The poor little things, they were so innocent and undeserving of all of this abuse. “I know how hard it can be to live with those thoughts, dear. You’re not alone, sweetie.”

 

She looked over to the bar, sighing once she found the raven haired man uncomfortably shifting around in his seat as another man tried to talk to him. This… this wasn’t going to be easy at all. 

 

“You can’t change people, Ana,” she said, leaning in to caress his jaw. “It’s not something you can change about someone… not their sexuality. Neither of you would be happy in the long run. If Nashi doesn’t like boys, and even if you were to dress up as a female, you seem too sweet to force him to stay with you… Ana, darling, do you have thoughts of being a woman?”

 

“Nashi… I think he'd like me if I was a girl. He said he could, maybe. But… but I don't know. I'm male, and I like being male, for the most part. But I also like wearing dresses and thinking of myself as a wife, or a mother. But I don't want to be female. I like my body… it's mine. I kind of want to start tattooing it, though, like that guy in the apartment next to mine.”

 

Anaeya shrugs, kicking his feet underneath the table lightly, entirely focused on the man sitting at the bar, black hair messy and eyes half shut as he leaned down, head against his arms tiredly. The fourteen year old felt a shiver in his body, his throat scratchy as he attempted to speak again. “I guess I'm weird. Don't really care. I like my body, but I'm feminine, I guess… like a mix. Feminine and masculine. I don't even think of myself as male or female. I'm just me. I don't even care what other people call me.”

 

She nodded, massaging his shoulders. “I think I know of someone that could help you with this, sweetie… would you be willing to sit here and talk to someone else? Aki would be an excellent example of someone like this…” she smiled, looking over to a rather skinny man entering the bar now as he walked over to the much smaller boy. Tapping on his shoulder, Aki smiled at the boy barely lifting his head up, rubbing his eyes. 

 

“Nashi seems to have met him,” she said, pointing with her as the thirty something year old sat next to the boy. “Here, darling… let me go and get him for you. Maybe I can talk to Nashi so that maybe he’ll be a bit more open minded about all of this, Ana? Would you like that, sweetheart?”

 

“N-not now… I actually…” Ana shuffled his feet awkwardly, looking over to Nashi before standing up quickly, tugging his thin overshirt further around his body with a shiver. It was too cold, so much more than earlier… and it was late and he didn’t really want to stay out any longer… just wanted to go home and curl up in bed with Nashi- maybe, if he was still okay with it,- and cuddle.

 

“I actually, um… need to go home before it gets too much later. Curfew and all. Plus, I’m really… I just need to lie down. Can you… um, you and your friend. Will you be here tomorrow? I-if I come back? A-and can i bring my stuff and have you guys help me so I can look like a decent girl? Or well, decently like a girl? Nashi would let me kiss him in public if I did.”

 

The woman just nodded, Anaeya’s feet hitting the ground roughly as he threw back the chair, making his way over to the bar. “Nashi? Let’s go… I-I’m going… come on.”

 

* * *

 

 

It seemed like momma still wasn’t home yet, which really was a good thing. She’d be pissed if she saw how late it was right now… would most likely would be way past their curfew and end up getting the both of them belted. Still, Nashi could slowly feel all his energy being drained from his being. He was so tired. Ana had to be too, but that wasn’t really all the uncommon for the redhead. He was always tired- even during the day. Sleeping was just something that Ana was prone too.

 

“Here,” he said, digging into his dresser to pull out a pair of shorts and a night shirt. “You keep leaving your shit here anyway. You can sleep in my bed with me.”

 

Tossing off his clothes until he was only dressed in his underwear, he turned back to look at the redhead sheepishly staring at him, a small blush growing on his face as he slowly took off his belt and shoes. A confused look grew on Nashi’s face before he sighed, crawling on the bed, his back hitting the wall. 

 

“Well? C’mon. I’m tired, Ana. Hurry up and get changed. I don’t want my momma to come home and see me awake. You know that she has no qualms about beating you for being up so late too, Ana.”

 

Anaeya gave a sheepish smile, his cheeks still red from embarrassment. Fuck, it wasn’t like they hadn’t done this a hundred times before- just not for awhile… not since he’d told Nashi about his feelings and they’d figured out that he was… whatever he was. It was dumb, really. There was no reason to be flustered- he tried to keep telling himself that.

 

He was grabbing for the shorts Nashi had left at the end of the bed, pulling them up over his shaking legs, before wadding up the shirt he’d been wearing and tossing it to the floor, pulling the wifebeater under it over his head and letting it fall to the floor as well. He fumbled trying to get the the clean shirt over his head- or, well, it probably  _ was _ dirty, not that he cared.

 

“I- okay…” Ana finally said, half flopping onto the bed, bracing his arms under his chest as he looked up at Nashi. “Fucking cold still,” he said softly, before sliding closer to the older boy, letting Nashi pull the covers over both of their rather small forms. Anaeya thought he might be taller than Nashi at this point- couldn’t tell for sure, although his build was so fragile he still looked smaller.

 

“Can I…?” He finally managed to choke out, as Nashi’s hand ruffled his red hair, looking down at him with the same sort of affection he always did. Ana accepted it, pulling himself up and curling up against his best friend’s side, pushing his face into his chest. “How are you always so goddamn warm? I never seem to feel warm anymore… unless someone’s giving me their jacket or something,” he joked, smiling.

 

Nashi chuckled at the boy, pushing his head into the pillows. “Go the fuck to sleep, Ana… you’re so fucking weird man.” Nashi leaned in, pressing a kiss to his forehead, relaxing his head on the other boy’s. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as weird as you before. Hope I never do either, don’t think I could ever stand another clone like you…”

 

Tossing an arm over his waist, the boy pulled him closer, closing his eyes finally. Even if he said that he was eternally cold, he felt nice to him right now… always felt nice, even if he smelled a little gross right now… 

 

“I’m… I’m tired. I’m sorry, night.” he said, pressing another kiss to his forehead. 

 

Anaeya tried not to get overwhelmed at the feeling of Nashi kissing his forehead, simply pressing further against the older’s body, his face buried in the crook of Nashi’s shoulder as he felt the eighteen year old’s arm around his back, holding him in place tightly. He was trying desperately not to begin shaking, just tugging the blankets a little tighter to his body, trying to burrow himself against Nashi as much as he possibly could.

 

“Night…” Ana whispered, his voice too light, barely able to be heard above the whir of the ancient heating system, vent next to the bed blowing gusts into the room that seemed too cold for heat. He could feel the tears seeping from his eyes again, biting his lip as a few spilled down his pale cheek, a soft hand clinging to Nashi’s close tightly. “Sorry…” he whispered. “I love you.”

 

He half hopes Nashi can’t hear him. But Ana doesn’t know if he wants him to or not.

 

After a while, he does manage to hear him. Sitting up, he looked down at the man, confused but yet still worried. Fuck, why was he upset? Was it something that he said…? No, it couldn’t be. He hasn’t said anything that the kid could even be remotely upset about, or at least, he hoped not. He still loved and cared about him. Besides, after today, he didn’t think that he’d be able to not love him or ever say something bad about him for awhile.

 

“Hey? Ana? What’s up, man?” he asked, lowering his head so that he could rest his forehead against his, kissing his forehead before wiping his tears. “Fuck, you mad at me? I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t think I did anything that would make you upset again. What I say this time, Ana?”

 

"I-I don't know... it's stupid. Just my thoughts acting up as usual. I just don't feel... y'know?" He tried not to let the anxiety overwhelm him, fingers fumbling with the blanket, one hand trying to pull Nashi closer, hide himself against the older's body. "Not you. Never you. You're... perfect, Nashi. I'm just thinking... about me," Anaeya took an unsteady breath, shaking his head. "I'm just... I wanna... yeah. Sorry."

 

He tilted his head, still rather confused on what he was really talking about. Sitting up more as he pulled Ana up with him, be caressed the side of his face, sighing as he let his arms throw around his shoulders, bring him closer. "Okay... you want to talk? Or, y’know, do something?" He thought about it for a moment. "I'll kiss you if you think it'll help."   
  


He was sweating. Everything- skin, hair, clothes- felt too hot, his cheeks flushing bright red, entire face suddenly burning with nervous humility. His hands were too rough against each other, untrimmed nails catching on the blanket as he turned his head. "Do... do you want to? Fuck, are you... do you... okay with it? With me?"

 

Nashi smiled awkwardly, hitting his shoulder gently. "I'm... willing to do a lot of things if it means that you'll come down, man. Y'know? Like... I don't care. And it's just a one time thing." He leaned against the wall, looking at the skinny redhead. "'Sides, I kiss your forehead all the time.”

 

Anaeya shrugged, eyes unfocused the longer he stared at Nashi's face, his dark eyes and quirked lips, expressive in ways he hadn't thought before. It was at times like this that Ana liked to try and memorize every detail of his face... everything that made him Nashi. "I like it when you kiss my forehead," the ginger admits softly, smiling. "Want you to... kiss me."

 

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Come here, Ana..." Nashi grabbed his hands, slowly pulling Anaeya closer to his body before feeling Ana basically crawling on his lap now. "Okay..." he blushed, feeling Ana hesitantly placing his hands on his chest, curling around his neck. "Close your eyes, man. It's creepy if you don't.”

 

Anaeya nodded, kneeling with his knees on either side of Nashi's waist, able to feel his hand curve around his waist just enough to make Anaeya's spine go rigid, licking his lips. His fingers tangled in semi long locks of black, eyes slipping shut as he nodded. "Okay."

 

Nashi took in another deep breath, licking his bright pink lips before leaning in. His lips briefly met Anaeya's dry ones, pausing at the feeling of Ana leaning back, sheepishly opening his mouth just enough for Nashi to teasingly slip in his tongue. A sharp yelp is all he needs to stop before he backs away, mumbling out apologies. "Sorry, sorry! I.. yeah. I thought you'd like it. Ha, see you don't."

 

The ginger frowned, his eyes suddenly wide as they trailed over Nashi's form in embarrassment, head practically lolling to the side and away from him as he tried to force a response from his lips. "Ah, yeah," Anaeya breathed, leaning closer again. "I liked it... just... that was my first kiss. I just didn't know what... what it would feel like. I was startled." He paused, toying with the hem of the sheets. "Kiss me again?”

 

Nashi smiled again, looking away in shame, pink spreading across his otherwise tan face. Fuck, did he actually just take Anaeya's first kiss? He knew that most likely Ana hadn't ever actually kiss anyone before, but the fact that he actually did made him feel uncomfortable. "Not right now..." he said, looking back up at Anaeya, wiping his eyes. "Sorry... sorry. Just, y’know? Awkward, I guess. Only kissed girls... feel weird about being the only person that ever really kissed you." He chuckled, leaning in again, resting his forehead on Ana's shoulders. "I'm kinda tired. Let's go to sleep?"   
  


"I'm happy you're the only person," Anaeya says quickly, pulling Nashi closer as his hands slid around the back of his neck again. His eyes shut again, breathing uneven and labored, head falling against his warm body as his legs were tucked up to his chest. "You better hold me to make up for it. I like being held."

 

He blushed again, moving to grab the heavy sheets over the two of them. "I know you do," he teased, hiding his face in the pillow before looking at the boy. "You crave attention and affection, you know that? Worse than a lot of girls..." he sighed, amused at how Ana weakly hit his chest. "Just go to sleep, brat. Momma will be home soon. Send you out to her if you don't, Ana."

 

“Okay,” Anaeya breathed, forcing himself as close to Nashi as possible. “Night, Nashi.”  
  


**Author's Note:**

> #fucksealingthedeal and our million other fics.


End file.
